Scared of What's Next

Up until Tuesday this past week, I was ready and certain I wanted to go into a residential program for teens as a live-in counselor. But Tuesday, in a conversation with a friend, I realized I am not ready for that. You see, I have been dealing with many personal issues this semester. Actually, dealing is not the right word. I have had personal issues and have not been dealing with them but rather, just pressing on. I have done the school work and job searching that needs to be done, but have not taken the time to work out these personal issues.

In this conversation Tuesday I realized that I cannot keep going on like this. These issues of who I am and who I want to be need to be addressed. And I fear addressing them in a residential program where I will be pushed and pulled and taken apart by the job itself and the kids.

So, just about a week before I graduate, I have to change my view on jobs and the future. My idea is to find an internship in my related area or just some random full time job for the next "semester". Then maybe the same thing for the summer of '08 as I did this past summer. Then go for the residential programs. But I still need to get away. I want to start a new life, finding out who I am and who I want to be. Which leads me to look for these jobs in places like Denver.

But this is all so scary. I have to put my desires and jobs where I feel called to figure things out in my life. And the door for temp jobs seems so large. What am I going to do? I have no direction now! All I want is to get away, get closer to God and learn to be the me I was created to be. It's a whole lot different than what I have been planning.