Scared of What's Next

Up until Tuesday this past week, I was ready and certain I wanted to go into a residential program for teens as a live-in counselor. But Tuesday, in a conversation with a friend, I realized I am not ready for that. You see, I have been dealing with many personal issues this semester. Actually, dealing is not the right word. I have had personal issues and have not been dealing with them but rather, just pressing on. I have done the school work and job searching that needs to be done, but have not taken the time to work out these personal issues.

In this conversation Tuesday I realized that I cannot keep going on like this. These issues of who I am and who I want to be need to be addressed. And I fear addressing them in a residential program where I will be pushed and pulled and taken apart by the job itself and the kids.

So, just about a week before I graduate, I have to change my view on jobs and the future. My idea is to find an internship in my related area or just some random full time job for the next "semester". Then maybe the same thing for the summer of '08 as I did this past summer. Then go for the residential programs. But I still need to get away. I want to start a new life, finding out who I am and who I want to be. Which leads me to look for these jobs in places like Denver.

But this is all so scary. I have to put my desires and jobs where I feel called to figure things out in my life. And the door for temp jobs seems so large. What am I going to do? I have no direction now! All I want is to get away, get closer to God and learn to be the me I was created to be. It's a whole lot different than what I have been planning.

Senioritis

Here is one big difference between me in previous semesters and me this semester. It is currently 5 after midnight. I have completed one assignment for tomorrow and am about half way through with the other one. Actually, maybe more than half way, but I still have to type it up (it is currently hand written).

Any other semester, I would have stayed up for another hour or so to finish off the assignment. But this semester, I have been unmotivated and therefore sleep has always sounded more important (and interesting) than staying up for an assignment, even if it costs me a few points.

Actually, it's a funny concept. Rather than stay up late and get little sleep for tomorrow, I am planning on getting sleep, working on the assignment later and turning it in complete and well done. All at the cost of a few points. So the work gets done, it gets done well, and I get sleep. I have completed all of my assignments this semester, some with fewer points because they were late.

I never realized that. I still care about learning and the assignments, but not the grades. Hmm...I'm intrigued now. I'll have to fall asleep tonight analyzing my motives and actions this fall. Ah, the life of a psychology major :).

By the way, tomorrow (I guess technically today) is my last day of undergrad classes!

Channel flipping: Sean Taylor

I'm going to add to the many other online things about Sean Taylor. But he is not the focus of my post.

I was finished with classes and sitting in front of the TV while I ate my lunch. I didn't expect to find anything worth watching on ESPN news. But as I flipped by, they were broadcasting the funeral of Sean Taylor. I only caught the last bit: pastor David Peay Sr. talking about Taylor and his relationship with him, as well as the most important relationship anyone can have. I did my best to write down quotes, but I fear they will be paraphrases. Loud and clear through, I heard him talk about wealth meaning nothing without a relationship with Jesus and that you should "Just come to know Him before it's too late. You've got to know Him. You've got to have a relationship with Him."

Honestly, it caught me a little off guard to hear the truth and what I believe so clearly stated on TV. But I guess that was the intention. It is the truth and it needs to be told. Even when thousands are sitting there for a funeral. Even when you are being broadcast across the nation on ESPN news. I hope and pray many heard the words of Pastor Peay and will think more about knowing Him.

"Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You. There is not greater thing."

Ha!- 10 days

I don't know what I was thinking when I said I would blog for 17 days straight. I hope those of you that know me laughed at that about a week ago. See, blogging just isn't my number one "free time" or procrastination activity. But, I will try to come up with something worth taking the time to say for at least 5 of the next 10 days.

Yes- 10 more days! I am so ready to be out of here. I think there are a few reasons. It is just that time in life. I have spent 17 or so years in school learning and after this summer of using my knowledge and gifts, I am ready to do that full time. I am also ready for something different: see different places, get to know different people, experience new things.

Ok, so those are the main reasons. Well, at least the reasons I'm willing to share with the world. :) And here I am, bored already with this post. So, farewell and goodnight.